Dec042009
Happy Thanksgiving! Mostly.
Filed under Self by Kim at 10:00 am on Dec 04 2009
I was pleased to make it home to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. While I fussed and fretted about the drive itself, it was not too painful and it was a relief to sleep in the new titanic bed they bought so that finally Jack and I can sleep in the same bed when we are visiting my parents. And by titanic I mean I had to get a leg up – you know like when you were a kid and you got out of the pool without bothering with the ladder.
I also got to see Genie and Rich and meet Ian. I told Genie that it’s good that tropical storms and illness pushed my visit back because I was much more sober about the whole thing and didn’t turn into a weepy mess on sight of baby. He’s very cute and has a giant baby-head. I’m no baby whisperer but he’s a pretty cool guy so even when I held him he didn’t fuss. Crazy aunt Kim is geared up for more visits soon I hope.
Apart from that shining highlight of social effort, I have been a pretty gloomy gus the past few weeks. I’m pushing past a depressive instinct to hide & keep to myself to post this because I know that if I walk the walk I might get back to being my old self.
It’s funny. When I was severely depressed over a decade ago, I ended up learning some good defenses and coping mechanisms against allowing myself to get too far gone, while being filled with empathy at other people’s struggles with depression. As time passed and I spent more and more time feeling totally free of it, the memories of how to be compassionate and how to cope have faded.
Last night I let slip that bizarre and completely ludicrous mantra that always settles in my mind when I’m struggling, “I hate everything.” This statement is patently false and I disdain it when I or anyone else says it (see above re: forgetting how to be compassionate). But there it is, flying from my mouth unbidden. Jack responds “That can’t be true.”
“No, but it’s what I say when I can’t figure out how to like anything.”
(I had a cognitive therapist once that was so great about teaching me how to stop repetitive thoughts, and man, what luck that I found her when I did.)
I know this is going to pass. I am not having a 100% pain free day but so far, it’s been close. Fear is dominating my choices right now and I don’t like it so I know that means I won’t put up with it forever.
1 Beckion 04 Dec 2009 at 10:18 am
I have the same problem and was also lucky to find a good behavioralist. I just wish I could head that stuff off before it even starts, though.
It was great to talk to you the other day!
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Kim Reply:
December 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Yes! Why do the ludicrous thoughts have to happen at all! Even at my most happy, they still crop up, just less frequently and it’s easier to laugh them off.
Yes it was good talking! Thanks for calling me back!
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2 Pamon 04 Dec 2009 at 10:38 am
I had no idea how down you are feeling. Feel free to join us for Midnight Madness tonight if you are feeling up to it.
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Kim Reply:
December 4th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I don’t know what midnight madness is, is that the Ellicott City thing?
Thanks for the invite! I had not really thought about going out since I know tomorrow will be intense, I’ll be going over to Telf’s and then there’s ham to be had!
I am not doing too bad but worries about my health really gum up my mental works. I just have a hard time getting past it to do normal things.
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3 TAOon 04 Dec 2009 at 10:40 am
Thinking of you and hope things get brighter. I’m sure they will. 😀
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Kim Reply:
December 4th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Thank you muchly! I am sure they will too.
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4 Meganon 04 Dec 2009 at 12:17 pm
I’m so sorry you’re in a funk. I can certainly understand it with all the illness stuff you’ve been going through lately. It can be hard to get moving again and find that positive outlook when you’ve been derailed. I struggle with exactly the same thing often. Hang in there.
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Kim Reply:
December 4th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Yup, that’s where I am at. Last night I got off my ass and paid some bills and organized a little and it made a big difference. Thanks
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5 CSueon 04 Dec 2009 at 7:02 pm
Hope you feel better soon! This time of year makes it hard to slow down and take care of ourselves, doesn’t it?
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6 Rachelon 04 Dec 2009 at 7:27 pm
I’m dealing with a not-quite-ready-to-disclose issue that is causing me a ton of pain. I never really knew what chronic pain was like until now, even with all the patientblogging friends. Added to that, I can’t exercise and it’s bringing out the worst of SAD. So I feel for you.
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Kim Reply:
December 5th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Oh, I am so sorry you are going through stuff. I have been thinking a bit about my friends who have chronic pain issues and I understand how it wears you down.
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7 Genieon 05 Dec 2009 at 3:18 pm
I totally commiserate on many levels. First it was my postpartum crotch, then horrible hemorrhoids and now a freakin’ *hangnail* getting me down (that has gotten so bad it’s swollen and is raising up my fingernail). I’m sure there are some hormonal things in the mix as well.
I can see the lack of excitement about anything easily turning into disdain for everything … that you don’t necessarily hate everything but just can’t find one thing to be excited about.
My father has been in the dumps lately and it’s the same thing that everything is just doom and gloom and even a grandson fails to perk him up for more than a few minutes at a time. Here’s hoping the holidays don’t make it harder on all of us.
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8 Mpomyon 06 Dec 2009 at 7:20 pm
Heavy. It so totally sucks to go into those dark places, no matter that one may not have a great deal of choice at the time. The key is to not go too far and to know that you have those ho love and care about you who will help pull you out (or, as is the case with the bed, give you a leg up). That pit of despair just looks like it’s going to swallow everything, but you have the power and support to not let it.
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