I’m alive. I don’t really know what to say, or where to begin.
It was a rough summer. I withdrew from the accelerated program – mental and physical health issues – and by the grace of the nursing faculty, I got right into the traditional 2 year program. I might be considered lucky to have the summer off (other than the few weeks I spent losing my hair and mind and whatever in the accelerated program) but it was not a fun time. But that’s over.
Getting the right medication and half a semester later, and so so many other things, here I am working my little butt off to get through the first semester of nursing school. Jumping hurdles and managing anxiety and learning drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs. I have a new family – my student cohort. I spend more time with them than with anyone else. We share so many feelings, and we are open and sharing with each other about everything, pretty much right away. We all come from vastly different backgrounds – military. Moms. Seasoned waitresses, chefs, ballerinas. We come from here, from California, Africa, Jamaica, and many other places. We’re all desperately afraid we’ll be part of the 15% attrition from Fundamentals to Med Surg. (I don’t know if that is the real attrition rate but it’s not far off.)
So, what about my family from before this? I still try to talk to them regularly. I made time to have lunch with Jen and Pam. I called April and Genie to make sure I don’t lose track of them. I made it to a party or two, even though our instructors told us there wouldn’t be time for that. I worry about Thanksgiving & my parents – shouldn’t I be studying? I just don’t feel like I’m going to know until that day. That’s how I feel about everything right now – one day at a time. The only thing that gets planned in advance is Nursing school stuff.
Oh, and of course I got married, duh. Maybe that deserves its own post?
When I take the time to pick up the Nikon and take some photographs, I really really miss it. But since June that’s maybe gotten 20 minutes of my time.
There are plenty of random thoughts. Like I thought needles were going to be my biggest fear about this job. That could not be further from the truth. I haven’t given a real person an injection yet, but that will probably happen next week, and it is so at the bottom of my list. These days, for the record, they don’t let you practice on each other. At least not at my school. I hate our uniforms. They are all white. I love my psychiatrist who used to work at a famous psych hospital that I wish I could work at someday, but it doesn’t exist anymore. I love my therapist, who was a Hopkins nurse in a previous life, and who understands all the stuff I bring to her. I mean how lucky am I??
I want to apologize to anyone I speak to in person for the next two years and possibly rest of my life. I am just really excited about everything I am learning so if that is all I talk about, I swear I am not trying to show off. I am just full of information that is shooting at me like a fire hose and trying to make sure I remember it. And it’s all I get to think about, other than the times I am emptying my brain by watching crime dramas.
I am stress eating like a mofo. I have gained 10 pounds since school started. Not loving that, but not sure what to do about it either (and “just stop eating so much!” is not really working). My worst fear is getting sick and having to miss a class or clinical session. I have all my shots but I’m just wondering when the inevitable cold is going to take me out.
We have a budget now based on our single income and we are – learning. My husband (still weird) is trying to eat better, so there are 4 tupperware containers of lentil soup hanging out in the fridge.
I got a Kindle and I love it. I LOVE IT. No regrets there budget notwithstanding. Probably deserves its own product endorsement post as well.
I don’t know if I have missed blogging or what. I guess I don’t know what it means to me anymore, though I don’t want to stop journaling, I should be writing down what I am going through. But this summer when I lost my shit I could not be on the internet. Feeling like a massive failure in public was just too much. I think maybe if I blog though I will be less annoying in person.
Here’s to Exam III, Exam IV, Finals, and Acute Care clinicals at “Baltimore Grace”. December 15th is not that far away… and then maybe I will take three full days to clean this house because right now it is a horrible sty.